Ini belog jiwang gB yerrr…

Di minda.

Ini entry pertama saya sejak bertukar angin. Luka di sana sudah sembuh, mungkin. Tak mahu ingat lagi. Tak mahu lagi. Betul lah bila ada yang meneka saya bertukar angin kerana membawa hati. Betul lah tuh. Tapi bukan lah 100% betul. Part of me memang nak environment yang baru. Hati yang terluka cuma sekadar pemangkin. Kalau terlalu selesa di sana mungkin saya masih di sana. Mungkin.

Minggu-minggu pertama di sini agak sunyi. Sebab saya pergi dengan membawa hati, tapi meninggalkan mereka yang saya sayang di sana. Pedih, tapi saya tahu sunyi itu takkan lama.

Saya dan sunyi bagai menjadi satu. Sejak lama dulu. Sebab tu bila terlalu disogok keramaian, saya kembali mencari sunyi.

Orang putih kata, space.

Tapi saya tahu eventually saya perlu berkongsi my precious space with someone. Someone yang membuatkan hidup saya tenang. Someone yang sayangkan saya.

Tapi sayang sahaja tidak cukup. Kan?

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Kebetulan saya terbaca kembali satu entri dan komen di satu blog seseorang yang tak dikenali, tapi saya boleh relate betul dengan entri-entrinya.

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Katanya: for some reason, we do need to give space to our… what ever we call.. partner.. friend.. person we love.. person we hate.. whoever have relation to us.. yup.. we need to give some space. most of the time, things we imagine, things we expected, things we anticipated, in actual fact, won’t happen as per our imagination. most of the time.. so, please be prepare to counter on that.. emotionally.. physically.. or not to “too” imaginative on the things we expect.. just “moderate” imagination would do.

too high expectation can cause us upset.. and could easily tarnish everything related to relation in split seconds… for me lah

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Saya komen: i love the space i’m in and really want to share the space with someone i love. but, i also love it when people i love live in their very own space every time they want it.

i can feel it when they feel suffocated with me around even though i dont cling much on them. so i’ll just walk away from their life any time if they want me to as long as they are happy with their life again…no matter how hurt i’d feel.

even sometimes i just wonder…am i created on earth to make other people happy without ever thinking of my own happiness?

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dan dia reply: it may need some tolerances when we are in relationship. i see the relationship is all about completing each other, rather than have the common do’s and likes. one may have different behavior, and the other is in opposite.

for me, rather than we push our self to accept the different, its better for me to enjoy to get along with my partner. by this, i am in my own world, and the other with her own. but when we get along, i also get the “opportunity” to see her world, and learn new things.

feeling suffocated others is quite common feeling that haunted us. walk away is always an option, but, do we need to, always? perhaps not. it might just our perception toward the relationship.

i do think you can get along with anybody. happiness is subjective. it may come from the different angle, and may not match with our imaginary happiness. but, most important, it also one sort of happiness. aite?

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Dem.

Mungkin betul kata mak. Saya kurang sabar. Terlalu ego. Terlalu cemburu.

For the first time ever I realized how big my mistakes are.

Hopefully there are still space for me to fix myself.

Sometimes, most of the time, I talk too much to myself.

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Few years back I would go out on weekends and hangout with my girlfriends. We were all single. It was fun to have girlfriends whom we can share our problems in the office and gossiping about the guys who never want to understand and finally began tu avoid us and suddenly stopped calling. Yeah..that’s hurt but with your girlfriends around, that became something you can laugh out loud at and in a split second you’ll feel that those guys were not worth it at all.

But today, more than half of the girlfriends already have their own kids, some of them are counting days to walk down the aisle, and the rest are already in a serious relationship.

Except me.

That’s hurt even more.

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Sometimes I think that I might die unmarried. Old or young. Perhaps in the nearest future. So I began to think about all my never-good-enough-deeds; what had I said or done to people around me; are there any offensive posts and photos published on my blogs and facebook; have I ever hurt my parents but never apologize; then I started to filter. I started being extra careful. Just in case if I die tomorrow, or in the next minute, I hope that none of whatever I had published online can be the source of my everlasting sin.

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But being careful is always a temporary kind of act. I need someone to remind me constantly.

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Another friend just upgraded to ‘in a relationship’ status with someone she just knew, I guess. Which I knew that if I were her, nothing will happen.

Now my question is, what is wrong with me?

Have I truly lost interest in man or simply lost the trust. Or simply the typical ‘not-ready-yet’?

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I used to think that Allah did not answer to my prayers when the things I asked did not happen the way I want it to be. That is where the mistakes are. When things happened the other way around, that should be seen as the answer from Him. Because Allah loves us. So He answers. Whether we get it or not, that is up to us.

Be stubborn and we will walk away upset. Be faithful, and we will see so many other good things coming our way.

Thank You Allah.

I have got the answer. Thank You God.

20.11.2011

If we got married on 20.09.2009, what would our life be today? 

 

Just wondering…

 

Sorry. The words you told me on 20.08.2008 still linger in my head. 

 

I never stopped loving you. But I won’t tell. Let Allah decide. Pray hard. Pray hard. So that I can be Mrs You.

 

Amin…

Well…people tend to think that there’s always someone special behind someone’s happiness. Which could be true sometimes.

But my case is, I am happier with my life because there’s no one that can tear my heart apart.

Logic? 🙂

Good news that comes after another is really a joyful moment to enjoy. I don’t have time to feel down with sadness nowadays. Yeah, I do feel a little bit of sadness but when it is originated from my happiness, the sadness is actually can be a happy something to ponder.

Thanks to my hormonal changes perhaps. 🙂

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Some says forgive people and you’ll feel good about yourself. I did. Knowing me, I am a spontaneous person. Some says, unpredictable. I’d prefer to describe myself as an impulsive one. And how if I said that some impulsive acts I did actually lead me to some happy moments? Well…I did. 🙂

No people live in the world without goals, but some said that to me. Some expect me to keep on telling the world of what I want or who am I seeing or who am I going out with, but why? Will that make them feel good?

I believe in this: seize the moment. Live the moment. Enjoy the moment. No matter how absurd the future is. I am living my moment now. Short, sweet and nothing intense: but i just love it. I’d refrain from getting too deep and lose it all at once. I felt it before. And you can ask me how hurt I felt.

As long as my happiness is just around, please let me embrace it. It won’t be long though. If we are not meant for each other, that will be it. But if God says that we are destined as soul mate, no matter how far we will be apart, we will be together.

P/S: To you precious, a part of me will always be with you. Your fingerprints are just too deep inside. Lets pray hard. Just pray hard.

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