Did I look like I care? I did…
I think….I have been in love before. I think I did have a boyfriend before. I guess somebody did love me before.
But now I am not sure about those.
Three years ago, someone I barely knew told me that he had fallen for me. I just listened but never completely convinced. For me love is a complicated thing. It can’t be seen or felt merely on the surface, or just with a glance, a smile, or needless to say, a word. For me, love needs reasons. It needs to be well explained to make me convinced to accept the love and thus, to return the love back.
But this guy who said that he loved me never gave me reasons. No matter how hard I asked him. That doubts me. But I can say that he has what it takes for a girl to fall for him. Perhaps for a girl like me. But back then my self confidence was so bad. I had a serious thought of body issue. Plus so many other things that make me think 100 times to accept a ‘love’ said by a guy who for me, has it all.
But along the way, I tried to cope with him and his style of loving me. And I tried to improve myself, my conversation, my sense of humour, my understanding, and my patience so that (perhaps) we can work it out. Until there was one time where I began to feel uneasy about him.
He asked me about marriage.
I wasn’t a commitment phobic. Not at all. But then, I think that we never really knew each other so well to think about the next step of the relationship. I was wondering why the hell on earth did I become so analytical? Abstracts messed my mind and I simply can’t cope with it. But don’t ask me whether did I feel happy about it or not. In fact, I did. It was just like a dream came true. Just like a fairytale. The Frog Princess Story. 🙂
Despite of all the logics that I wanted, those words he told me made me felt like flying. I was so happy that I told my mum and almost everybody about it. I think everybody at that time could see the glow and happiness on my face. I even embraced the moment and thought, that was the happiest moment in my life.
Until one day, something happened and it ended. I did not regret it because I knew what I did. That was the best decision in my life. I did not want to blame my self and not to mention, him for those. Things did happen for reasons.
We supposed to get married on 20.09.2009.
Should I mention about the pressure I got from my parents after everything ended? I remained silent but deep inside I pray for someone better that can wipe off those worries from my parents. I can feel what they have felt. I am so sorry.
And today, I found his social circle profile. He has a new girl. And she has my look and my smile.
But to regret things? Not my style. And not at all will I regret.